If you’ve ever believed that lasting love should feel effortless, like two synchronized swimmers who never splash, I have some gentle news for you: real relationships look a lot more like treading water together…and sometimes in different directions, against the current.

The truth? Every couple fights. Every couple has miscommunication. And yes, every couple has at least one ongoing debate about the “correct” way to load the dishwasher. (Hint: there isn’t one. There’s just your way.)

But love isn’t about avoiding conflict, it’s about learning how to navigate it. It’s less about “falling” in love and more about practicing it, intentionally, mindfully, clumsily, and always courageously. 

That’s where couples therapy comes in. It’s the place where two people learn to listen differently, repair more effectively, and build safety that lasts longer than a single good week. You don’t need to have it all figured out before walking in. You just have to be willing to take the next step.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), it is my job to provide the context, skills, and shifts that help you and your partner move more gracefully – not perfectly – together. Let me walk you through what couples therapy is, its purpose, what the work looks like in practice, common misconceptions, and what outcomes you can reasonably anticipate.

What is Couples Therapy?

Put simply: couples therapy is treatment that centers around the relationship system rather than treating each partner in isolation. It aims to shift problematic interaction patterns, restore emotional connection, and help both partners feel seen, heard, and safe.

It’s sometimes called marital therapy, relationship therapy, or dyadic therapy, but the core remains: the unit of treatment is the couple, not an individual within the couple. 

Purpose of Couples Therapy:

The purpose of engaging in couples therapy will look different for every couple. However, at its core, couples therapy seeks to:

1. Reduce relational distress and conflict

2. Repair emotional injury and restore connection

3. Develop healthier interaction patterns (communication, conflict, responses to stress, etc.)

4. Strengthen emotional safety and trust

5. Support individual well-being, while keeping the couple system in mind

We often say: the purpose of couples therapy is not “fixing your partner”, but interrupting the cycles or patterns in which you both are stuck in together. 

What the Work Actually Looks Like

Let me share a rough outline of how I typically structure couples therapy work. It’s not rigid, every relationship brings its own rhythm, but this gives you a blueprint of what to expect. 

• Assessment and Pattern Discovery

  • I ask both partners about their history, strengths, and pain points. 

  • We map interaction cycles (e.g. who pursues, who withdraws, how conflict escalates). 

  • I help each partner see their role in maintaining stuck loops. Yes, even when it “feels like” your partner started it.

• Reframing and Creating Emotional Safety

  • Conflict gets reframed: it’s not you vs. them, but you vs. the problem pattern.

  • We build structures for safe vulnerability: how to bring up fears, hurt, or shame in ways the other can receive.

  • Emotional attunement is practiced: listening not just to words, but underlying feelings. 

• Repair and Co-Regulation

  • Ruptures (moments when connection breaks) will happen. We practice repair attempts (simple acknowledgments, apologies, seeking reconnection). 

  • We rehearse new responses when old ones get triggered. 

  • I sometimes ask couples to experiment with new interaction patterns in-session and reflect afterward.

• Consolidation and Relapse Prevention

  • We build “relational hygiene” or small habits that maintain connections (checking in, debriefing, engagement in gratitude practices).

  • We rehearse how to catch drift (when the unhelpful patterns subtly return) and how to course-correct. 

  • If needed, we invite occasional “tune-up” sessions down the road. These sessions can be incredibly helpful!

In short, couples therapy isn’t magic. It’s mindful and intentional practice. 

Common Misconceptions (and My Snarky Rebuttals)

“Only broken couples go to therapy.”

Nope — many couples use therapy proactively, not just reactively.

“Therapist takes sides.”

Nope — I’m not a judge. I’m a choreographer helping you change your dance and interaction patterns.

“We’ll be fixed in 3 sessions.”

I wish! Many couples see shifts in ~8–12 sessions; deeper change often takes 15–20 or more.

“Therapy will tell me what to say/do.”

I won’t write your script. I’ll help you find your own language, grounded in safety and respect.

“If therapy doesn’t save us, we failed.”

Nope again. Sometimes therapy helps clarify goals — stay together, or part kindly. Both can be healing.

Possible Outcomes and What You Can Reasonably Expect

From my clinical experience and the research literature, here are outcomes couples often report or observe:

Relational Outcomes

• Greater relationship satisfaction and lower distress

• Improved communication and conflict resolution

• More emotional intimacy, closeness, and safety

• Stronger repair after ruptures

• Better alliance around life stressors and transitions

• Sometimes clear decisions about staying together or separating

Individual and Systemic Outcomes

• Decrease in individual symptoms (anxiety, depression, etc.) in partner(s)

• Enhanced self-reflection and understanding

• Increased emotional regulation capabilities

• All the above benefits the relational/family system as a whole (especially children!)

While some couples maintain gains, others may experience relationship drift over time. This doesn’t mean failure, it means relational work is ongoing. You may, as many couples do, need periodic “tune up” sessions or check-ins to help sustain and maintain progress.

Final Thoughts

If your idea of romance includes candlelight, flowers, and zero conflict, I’m sorry, the romantic comedies lied. Real love involves disagreement, growth, and occasional confusion about who left the toothpaste cap off.

But that’s what makes it a practice, not a pass/fail exam. In couples therapy, you and I get to show up. We show up in the awkward moments, tears, laughs and all, and learn new interactional patterns and steps. You don’t have to do it alone, or do it perfectly.

If your relationship feels stuck, distant, or full of patterns you can’t seem to break, please reach out! You and your relationship deserve the opportunity to learn, grow, and heal together.