You know that moment when the family dinner suddenly goes quiet?

Someone mentions that topic, a fork clinks, and suddenly everyone is avoiding eye contact, or “checking their phone.”

Yeah, that’s the sound of the family system feeling out of sync. A family system that’s skipped a beat, or fallen out of rhythm.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I spend a lot of time helping families figure out what’s really going on underneath those awkward silences, raised voices, or passive-aggressive sighs. Spoiler alert! It’s rarely about who left the dishes in the sink.

Families are Systems, Not Collections of Individuals

Think of your family as a mobile, those delicate hanging art pieces where every part affects the others. When one side moves, the whole thing shifts. 

When a parent’s stress spikes, when a teen starts pulling away, or when partners are quietly simmering, the system adapts. Sometimes, it overcompensates. And suddenly, you’ve got new patterns that don’t feel great, but they make emotional sense in context of the situation. 

The work in therapy isn’t about finding the “problem person”. It’s about understanding the dance that you all are in, and learning some new steps.

What We Actually Do in Family Therapy

Despite popular sitcom portrayals, family therapy doesn’t involve dramatic showdowns or crying in unison.  It’s usually slower, gentler, and sometimes even funny, because humor is often how families survive. 

In sessions, we:

• Map communication patterns (Who talks? Who withdraws?)

• Identify roles of family members (The fixer, the peacekeeper, the scapegoat, every family has them.)

• Practice repair following conflict

• Learn boundaries and create space, not distance

• Celebrate moments you actually get it right – because small wins matter

The Goal Isn’t “Perfect Harmony”

Let’s be honest, families are messy. We’re talking about people who’ve seen each other in their pajamas, through breakups, colds, and even questionable haircut phases. 

Perfection isn’t the goal. Connection is. 

When a family learns to listen with curiosity instead of defensiveness and judgement, the system realigns. You start noticing more small kindnesses. Fewer misunderstandings. Less tension over who forgot to take out the trash.

Therapy helps families find new rhythm, one that feels a little more balanced and a lot more humane. 

If You’re Feeling Out of Sync…

It doesn’t necessarily mean that your family is broken, it could be that it’s time for a reset. Even one person seeking support can begin shifting the entire system. 

If you’re a provider supporting families experiencing relational strain, or a member of a family experiencing relational strain, please don’t hesitate to reach out for support or collaboration. 

If your family dinners still include the occasional awkward silence? You’re in good company. Healing isn’t about perfection. It’s about staying in the dance, even when you miss a few beats. Family therapy can be an excellent tool for helping you get back in tune, or find a new rhythm all together!