As the holidays approach, many of us start to feel a familiar mix of excitement and dread. The season may bring traditions and gatherings we look forward to, but for many it can also reactivate old hurts, strained relationships, or long-standing family patterns.

If you’ve spent any time consuming “therapy content” this time of year, you’ve probably seen posts about setting firm boundaries, cutting off toxic people, and offering strategies for “getting through” holiday gatherings with a sense of self intact. These messages can be empowering, especially for those who have spent years feeling unheard or overextended. Boundaries are important and safety is important, and there are times when stepping back or cutting off contact is the healthiest option.

But that’s not the only story. And I fear that the individualistic emphases of Western psychotherapy (especially its distilled and distorted social media presentations) can at times overlook the importance of human connection and the value of the ties that bind.

From my perspective as a systemic family therapist, many families, maybe even most, benefit not from further distance, but from repair, reconnection, and healthy renegotiation of patterns that no longer work. In a time marked by polarization, disconnection, and a growing loneliness epidemic, the idea that relationships are disposable or should be abandoned at the first sign of friction can miss the mark.

Most of us don’t simply want less conflict. We want meaningful connection.

Can Holidays Bring New Opportunities for Families?

The holidays often amplify whatever is already present in a family system. Old roles get triggered, sibling dynamics resurface, intergenerational stressors show up. 

But these gatherings can also offer a built-in moment of the year when families naturally come together, creating space for reconnection and even healing.

Healing doesn’t mean pretending nothing hurt. Reunification doesn’t mean losing yourself again. And spending time with family shouldn’t mean abandoning who you are and what is important to you.

The healthiest family systems are able to create a sense of connection without a loss of authenticity. They make space for each member to show up exactly as they are and connect without having to compromise parts of themselves in order to “keep the peace”.

It’s a lofty goal perhaps, but if more of us committed to loving our people with this kind of intention, I think we’d feel a lot less lonely and a lot more connected.

When Distance is Necessary…and When it Isn’t

Sometimes distance or cutoff really is the right choice. Safety matters. Chronic harm matters. Patterns that won’t change, despite repeated attempts, matter.

But for many families, what’s “toxic” is often unresolved hurt, misunderstood differences, or generational coping strategies that were passed down without reflection, not a fundamental irreparability.

If the only tools we have are rigid boundaries and withdrawal, we risk missing opportunities for growth, nuance, and mutual understanding.

Not every activating relationship is unsafe.

Not every conflict is a signal to detach.

Not every difference is a deal-breaker.

Sometimes discomfort is not a danger sign. It’s an invitation to renegotiate a relationship into something better.

What Does Healthy Reconnection Look Like?

Reconnection doesn’t mean sweeping issues under the rug or returning to old patterns. It looks more like:

• Choosing curiosity over defensiveness
  “Help me understand where you’re coming from.”

• Changing the choreography of old conflict patterns
  (Not taking the bait, not playing the same roles.)

• Being present without being enmeshed
  (You can stay connected without reverting to old versions of yourself.)

• Setting flexible boundaries instead of rigid walls
  “I want to spend time together, and here’s what helps me feel grounded.”

• Allowing people to surprise you
  (Humans are always changing and can even grow.)

Reconnection can also mean giving up the fantasy that families must be perfect, and instead embracing the real version of the people in front of us. Sometimes “good enough” connection is profoundly meaningful. 

Our longest and strongest connections are usually our most textured, with seasons of closeness and distance, hurt feelings and repair. The ups and downs are just a part of being a human who chooses human relationships.

Why It Matters

At a time when so many people feel isolated, suspicious, or disconnected, the ability to hold onto relationships, even imperfect ones, becomes a powerful source of resilience.

Family ties, when they are healthy enough, can offer identity, belonging, shared memory, and the sense of not walking through life alone.

Not every family can provide this. But in my experience, many can with support, intention, and sometimes therapeutic guidance.

After all, the goal isn’t perfection.

It’s connection that feels honest, sustainable, and healing, even in a complicated world.

This blog post is written for educational purposes only and is not meant to be diagnostic or a replacement for mental health treatment or medical care.