Most parents don’t come to therapy because they want to be perfect.

They come because they are tired.

Tired of yelling when they swore they wouldn’t.

Tired of wondering if they’re “messing their kids up.”

Tired of carrying the weight of doing it differently than how they were raised without a clear roadmap for how.

One of the first things I often say to parents within the therapy space is this: If perfection were required for healthy development, none of us would be here. 

Parenting has never been about flawless emotional regulation or perfectly executed responses. It has always been about relationship, connection, repair, and self-growth.

Attachment Is Built in the Ordinary, Messy Moments

Attachment research consistently shows us that secure attachment isn’t created by parents who get it right all of the time. It’s created by caregivers who are generally responsive, emotionally available, and willing to return to connection and repair after a rupture.

Children don’t need parents who never lose their patience. They need parents who can come back and say, “That didn’t go how I wanted it to. Let’s try again.”

Those moments of repair, after raised voices, misunderstandings, or emotional overwhelm, are not detours from healthy development. They are healthy development. They teach children that relationships can stretch without breaking, that conflict doesn’t mean abandonment, and that emotions don’t end connection. 

How Co-Regulation Comes Before Self-Regulation

Children are not born with the ability to calm themselves independently. Their nervous systems are under construction for years. Until then, they rely on adults to help them regulate overwhelming emotions.

This process, known as co-regulation, is the foundation of emotional development. When a parent stays present during a child’s distress, offering calm tone, physical proximity, and empathy, the child’s nervous system learns what safety feels like.

Over time, those repeated experiences become internalized. What starts as “I calm down because you’re here” eventually becomes “I can calm myself because I know how safety feels.”

This is why discipline strategies that prioritize punishment over connection often backfire. Regulation doesn’t come from fear or shame. It comes from feeling understood.

Repair Is Not Failure, It’s a Skill

Every parent loses their cool. Every parent misses cues. Every parent says something they wish they could take back.

What matters isn’t the rupture, it’s what happens next that matters.

Repair teaches children accountability, empathy, and emotional responsibility. When parents name their mistakes and take ownership of their reactions, children learn that power doesn’t excuse harm, and love doesn’t disappear when things get hard.

Repair sounds like:

“I was overwhelmed and I raised my voice. That wasn’t fair.”

“I’m still learning how to handle big feelings too.”
“We can talk about this again when we’re both more calm.”

These moments don’t weaken authority, they strengthen trust.

When Parenting Brings Up Unfinished Work

For many parents, the hardest part of raising a child isn’t managing tantrums or bedtime routines, it’s managing what gets stirred up internally.

Parenting has a way of activating old wounds:

How emotions were handled in your home growing up.

Whether comfort was available when you were distressed.

What mistakes cost you connection.

When a child’s big feelings feel intolerable, it’s often not because the feelings are too big, it’s because no one helped you hold feelings safely when you were young.

Engaging in your own emotional healing isn’t selfish. It’s one of the most protective things you can do for your children. Therapy helps parents notice when they’re reacting from the present versus the past, and offers space to build new responses rooted in intention rather than survival.

Good Parenting Is About Growth, Not Mastery

Healthy parenting is not a destination you arrive at. It’s a relationship you stay in. One that grows, adapts, and repairs over time.

Children benefit most from caregivers who are curious about their own patterns, compassionate toward their limits, and willing to seek support when things feel heavy. Modeling self-reflection, emotional care, and repair teaches children far more than presenting we have it all together.

You don’t have to be perfect to be a good parent.

You just have to be human and willing to keep coming back to connection.